dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
