Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I just want to make out with him forever
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Randomize
