Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Randomize
