I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
