How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
