Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
