Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
