We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
