so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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