I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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