hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
