her vagine was all disorganized.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Drunk is not a location!
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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