There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Fuck appropriateness.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Randomize
