I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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