when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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