I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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