I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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