i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
