In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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