I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
ttyl tear gas
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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