No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
He felt like a one man threesome
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
