I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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