apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I supernannyed him into submission
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize