She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
