well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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