Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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