You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
