tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
