I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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