Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
my poor anus
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
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