There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
