Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
