If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
