I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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