Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
