Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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