I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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