Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
