i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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