Jerry, you need to find god
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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