I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
