I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
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