I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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