Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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