I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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