I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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