AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Randomize
