You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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