i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize