Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
