I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize