just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
