the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
