I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
