i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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