I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
they're like a gay fantastic four
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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