Someone shit on the floor
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
