How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
