Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Randomize
