Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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