i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
