I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
